I was locked in Copper’s last night and found myself chatting up this young wan. She was unreal like and I got the shift eventually, which was great. However, I soon discovered my mate had shifted her ten minutes before. This is a problem cos it means I basically shifted him as well. No-one likes sloppy seconds and it’s really awkward between the two of us now. Can we ever go back to the way it used to be?
First of all congrats on the exotic name. This is a right old pickle you seem to have found yourself in. Your main problem seems to be coming second to your friend, but what the hell is wrong with that? If you were in the Olympics would you be totes devo with a silver medal? If you were a singer would you raise a fuss over a Number Two on the charts? Yeah, didn’t think so. My entire life has revolved around being the second man to walk on the Moon. But the important part of that sentence is that I WALKED ON THE GODDAMN MOON. Oh yeah, and by the way, WE LANDED AT THE SAME TIME. Sheesh, get over it Ignacio. Get off my case. Seriously like, have you walked on the Moon lately? Exactly. Now leave me alone – you sir deserved sloppy seconds.
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for like three weeks. I was convinced he’s the one for me. He’s out on parole at the moment over some minor infraction but we’ve got so much in common. I found a pair of lace knickers that clearly aren’t mine in his bedroom and I’m worried that he’s cheating. I have no idea how an astronaut could possibly help, but my bf is tall, dark and handsome with really strong arms so I don’t want to lose him. You walked on our cheesy cratered neighbour with Neil ARM-STRONG so I figured you could help. Blonde logic. He claims he hasn’t cheated but I don’t believe him. What should I do?
Sounds like a real keeper you’ve got yourself there. I tend to empathise with your boyfriend here. You say you don’t believe him and I am sick of people saying the same to me regarding the Apollo missions. Hell yes, we landed on the Moon and we beat those Commie Reds in the process. I even punched a guy square in the face in 2002 for accusing me of lying about walking on the Moon (YouTube gold, if I say so myself). To be honest Carmelita, you just have to make sure he is always attracted to you. I checked out your Facebook page and you need to cut out all that foundation. If aliens visited Earth and saw you they would conclude there was no intelligent life on this planet. Sorry not sorry. You look like the surface of the Red Planet (#GetYourAssToMars). It’ll be one small make-over for you, one giant leap in ugliness improvement for mankind.
To infinity and beyond (no wait that was the other Buzz – lawsuit with Pixar/Disney pending).
Illustration: Emily Longworth